Sunday, April 3, 2016

How Did I Get Here?

It's been forever since my last post. I no longer have a Birchbox subscription, nor do I get Stitch Fix anymore. After Birchbox, I switched to Ipsy, and I don't even get that anymore. Those were sort of my go-to post topics, and I didn't even keep up on those regularly. So I figure it's probably time to start anew here, and I think what I'm going to do is write about my life and the things that have been going on. Deeper topics, not fashion or cosmetics samples. LIFE. The important stuff.

I'm not sure how exactly to get started with that, but basically this is just a post declaring that it's going to happen. Life is changing A LOT right now, in fact it's been changing for a couple of years now. Some good things, some bad things, and some things that are down right rock bottom thus far in my life.

I will say, however, that I think things are finally on the uptick...I mean, there's only one way to go once you've hit bottom, right? That's what I've heard anyway, when people have referenced addiction or abuse or anything like that. Now, to clarify (upcoming posts will be more revealing with details), I am not an addict and I am physically fine - this is not an emergency, I do not need an intervention or a hospital or anything else. I just have hit two recent periods of absolute extreme stress that I was not equipped to handle as an adult.

Let's back up for a minute - how is one "not equipped" to handle the stresses of adulthood? A lot of reasons, I'm sure I'm going to miss a bunch, but these are some possibilities for my own life and my own struggles with being an adult:

1.  I was super sheltered and relatively privileged as a kid. No struggles. Safe. Never took risks. I DO NOT DENY that that was my childhood. I don't know a lot about all the struggles and adversity that a lot of people have experienced. Super sheltered. Lots of taboo topics, issues, activities, events, etc. I never had to be uncomfortable. I'm really compassionate, but I'm probably one of the most sheltered people you'll meet.

2.  I'm REALLY indecisive. Most of that is probably because that's my personality, but there are definitely some environmental influences on personality (no matter how big or small). If you don't believe that...well, I'll respectfully but strongly disagree with you. The other part is probably just that I never had to be decisive, per se. Just went down the path that was set forth, asking no questions. If I did ask a question, the answer was "that's just what you do."

3.  I quite literally just learned (and I'm still learning and trying to figure this out) how to make a budget. Yes, you read that correctly. They don't teach it in school (I didn't learn it at home), and I've been in school pretty much my entire life until three years ago. And by then I was married. He was doing all of that for us. Now I have a business to run and I'm just starting to get the basics down. I never had to do it until I owned a business. This is a BASIC LIFE SKILL that I basically didn't even hardly know about at all. Had no clue how complicated it could be, or how many different ways to do it that exist, or anything. Great.

4.  Sh*t is complicated, y'all. Have you tried shopping for an individual health plan (most of you probably have an employer or spouse's employer who handles the majority of this for you...)?! Are you actually kidding me right now? There is absolutely NO WAY you can POSSIBLY compare various plans to each other. It's literally comparing apples to bananas to spaghetti squash. And the truth is, it's actually designed that way, which makes it even more frustrating. It's a confuse-opoloy. As a consumer, it's literally not even fair. What about taxes? Maybe you use TurboTax for your individual or joint return if you can do a simple 1040. Own a small local business with hundreds of thousands in cash flow per year and a few employees (and you're not actually an accountant)? GOOD LUCK. There's tens of thousands of pages of tax code, most of which should just be sent up in flames anyway, to be honest. Sure, some stuff is easy like just making sure the electric bill for your apartment is in your name. Great. Done. But there are a lot of things that are just complicated in life that I just wish I could ignore or do without, but because of adulting, must actually be dealt with. Those were just a couple examples. You catch my drift.

So those are a few of the reasons I feel I'm finding myself in my current position. Feeling really lonely. Feeling really inadequate. Flat out not good enough. Not smart enough. Not productive or efficient enough. I feel totally naive and uninformed and confused. Like I'm literally not equipped to be an adult. Like, who allowed me to be an adult? Clearly I wasn't ready, but now it's too late, right? This is where I am right now.

This is the jumping off point of my new life. The snowball started forming a couple years ago. It started rolling down the hill when I bought the business about a year ago. It became an avalanche about six months ago. And here we are. Here I am.

Thanks for reading, y'all. All three of you...haha. I know that was pretty depressing and sounded a whole lot like a pity party...but if you, too, feel like you're alone in this whole adulting thing, be assured I'm right here with you. Read along, friend, and we can get through this avalanche aftermath together.

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